24 things expats say when they first move to Dubai

3. “I’m only going to stay for a year.”
We guarantee we will bump into you in Spinney’s in eight years.

4. “Do you want to go to brunch on Friday?”
Repeat every week for three months until they finally get bored.

5. “I was at this place in the Marina last night. Baristi.”
Barasti… It’s pronounced Barasti.

6. “Why does everyone drive so fast?”
Six months later – “This school bus is testing me.”

7. “There are so many nice cars here!”
Uh huh, they’re all going to be driverless soon.

8. “I think I just saw Will Smith.”
Yeah, he’s here a lot. David Guetta too. In fact he and Lindsay Lohan live here now.

9. “What’s shisha?”
Four months later – blowing smoke rings like a pro…

10. “I got lost in The Dubai Mall for two hours!”
Yeah, that’ll unfortunately always happen.

11. “Nando’s delivers?!”
Everything delivers. Everything.

12. “The Dubai Metro is so spacious…”
Wait until you get to BurJuman.

13. “Everything is so clean.”
It really is.

14. “How much is AED100 in British Pounds?”
We don’t know Joe, we stopped converting our pennies ages ago.

15. “Is there Wi-Fi?”
Seriously?

16. “We went to a really big mall yesterday.”
Yeah? Which one? The Dubai Mall? Mall of the Emirates? Marina Mall? Details Susan, we need more details.

17. “That four-year-old has an Apple Watch!”
Yeah, he’s also probably got a bigger shoe collection than you.

18. “Everyone dresses so nice here.”
*Flicks hair over shoulder* …thanks!

19. “My jeans don’t fit!”
The Dubai stone is a thing and you’ve just discovered it.

20. OK, I’m going to use the gym/pool in my building every morning.
We give it two days…

21. “You’ve lived in Dubai for ages… where’s your tan?”
The four walls in our office kind of block out the sun.

22. “I’m not going to bother getting a car, I don’t need one for work.”
Fast forward 12 months and you’ll be driving past us in a Hummer.

23. “No thanks, we don’t need an extra chair…”
That chair is for your handbag… duh.

24. “Shall I book a table at [insert name of restaurant here] at 7pm on Thursday?”
Dude… that’s on the other side of Sheikh Zayed Road. No. Never.