How to apologise without actually apologising

So, how exactly do you apologise without actually apologising? Well, just like this.

“I’m sorry to anyone who was offended”
TRANS: I’m sorry that you took offence to this. It does not mean it was offensive though, just that you must be easily offended. So, really, it’s your fault.

“I’m sorry that you feel that way”
TRANS: I’m sorry that you feel upset at this thing that I’ve done. But lots of people aren’t upset, which means that it’s your problem. So, really, it’s your fault.

“I apologise if I offended anyone”
TRANS: ‘If’ I offended anyone. So there’s a chance, a huge chance if I do say so myself – and I do – that no one was actually offended. So, if you are, that’s really your fault.

“Mistakes were made”
TRANS: Not by me though.

“I’m sorry if any words of mine have been misconstrued”
TRANS: It’s your fault for taking my words the wrong way. I mean, obviously how you’ve construed them is exactly how I meant them, but if you’d taken them another way – not the way I meant them which was definitely the way you’ve taken them but, hey it’s still a possibility that you could have taken them another way – you wouldn’t have been offended by them. So, really, it’s your fault.

“Sorry if you didn’t get the joke”
TRANS: It’s your fault you’re not clever enough to not be offended, even though what I said wasn’t funny and wasn’t a joke.

“I would never say this now”
TRANS: Because I’ve now learned that, even though I meant it at the time, and still mean it now, apparently other people don’t like it. Which is your fault.

“This is not who I am today”
TRANS: Who I am today is someone trying to get off the hook without apologising.

“I’m only human”
TRANS: So, because we all make mistakes, really, none of us are responsible for any of those mistakes. Even this mistake which I made which is considerably worse than any mistake you’ve ever made and which I don’t really regret, I’m just having to say I regret it. This is all your fault for making me do this.

“I deeply regret”
TRANS: I deeply regret that I’m having to apologise for what I did. And I’m not even doing that.

“I’ve learned from this”
TRANS: I’ve learned that I need to not get caught.

“I think a lot of people misunderstood that statement, and for that I apologise”
TRANS: It’s your fault.

“It is unfortunate I was not more careful and deliberate”
TRANS: It is unfortunate that I got caught.

“Nobody is sorrier than me that this event occurred”
TRANS: I actually mean this, because I am really sorry that I am being forced to issue this apology, which isn’t actually an apology.

“It was not my intention to offend”
TRANS: I did though, because I didn’t bother to think through how my actions or words would affect anyone else. But, really, it’s your fault for getting offended, you didn’t have to get offended, you could have let it go because, really, think about how talented I am and if I lose my job then you’re the ones who’ll suffer really.

“I’m sorry for how the issue has affected the company”
TRANS: I’m not sorry for how it’s affected you but I am definitely sorry that my shares will now be worth less.

“I’m sorry to all of my fans for letting them down”
TRANS: I am sorry that I will now have fewer fans, sell fewer tickets and make less money. I’m not sorry to the person who was affected by what I did though.

“My choice of words was not the best”
TRANS: Not the worst though right?

“I have never willfully or intentionally harmed anyone”
TRANS: Nobody died did they? What’s the problem? And I didn’t mean it, so it doesn’t count. So, really, I should not be having to apologise here. You should all be apologising to me.

“I fully recognise that I have tested certain boundaries, which I am working hard to correct”
TRANS: You set those boundaries, not me. So if I crossed them, really that’s your fault for not setting them back a bit further.

“I wanted to acknowledge fault where such acknowledgment is appropriate”
TRANS: Such acknowledgment, on this occasion, according to me, is not appropriate.

“I’m sorry, but”
TRANS: I’m not sorry.

Right, excuse us, we have a bunch of apologies to make. Mainly to all the people whose cabs we’ve stolen in an attempt to get to work on time, after sleeping in.

Lady in the red dress, “I’m sorry that I stole your taxi but really, he stopped for me.”