Ah, housemates. If we weren’t so set in our creature comforts like ‘companionship’ and ‘not paying a stroke-inducingly exorbitant rent for a studio flat’, we’d surely all live alone.
Unfortunately, if you’ve clicked this link, you almost certainly don’t. You are bound to scour the earth for other souls who may or may not eat your lasagne or put paint in the washing machine or inexplicably put their foot through your walls, depending on their temperament. There is a way of weeding out the horror-housemates though, and to watch out for before committing to a 12 month contract.
1. The Labeller
from discussion .
“I wrote my very clearly on each individual loo-roll and – after cross-referencing the current paper situation against my spreadsheet – six sheets are missing. Not cool. Not. Cool. Those are mine. I’ve put the rest in my room as I can’t trust you lot not to steal them all. Yes, I ate all four of the ready meals in the fridge. They were yours? Oh? You didn’t put your name on them, so they were fair game. You know the rules.”
2. Arrested Development
from discussion .
“What’s for dinner, everyone? Carbonara? That doesn’t look like much! Oh, you’re only making it for you. Right… No worries, I’ll get a takeaway! What’s our address? Also, how does the washing machine work? Where do I put the clothes? Eh? Drum? What? Oh! Can I put my dishes in it as well? No? Gotcha, gotcha… If you’ve got a moment later, can you show me how to use the toilet?”
3. Expecting cleanliness
“Can someone clean up the stuff in the lounge? This is a shared flat, not a wardrobe. I don’t care that it’s my hoody, my empty curry trays, my dirty dishes, my underwear, and my filth, I can’t be reasonably expected to live like this…”
4. Not buying goods
from discussion .
“Er, what do you mean I never get anything? I think you’ll find I bought the last milk? I’ve got the receipt here, in my wallet, because I knew you’d pull this. See: 4 pints, AED12. Yeah, it’s from 3 weeks ago, so what? Are you saying we’ve gone through 4 pints in 3 weeks! Are you mad?! That’s not how milk works. Anyway, here’s my bank details, so if you can pay me your share of the AED12, because I’m a bit skint at the mo, that’d be wicked.”
5. Notes
from discussion .
“Umm guys, it’s a real shame I have to leave notes, and I really shouldn’t have to, but can we NOT MOVE MY WASHING. I was leaving it on the only drying rack in the flat for five days FOR A REASON. Respecting personal property is very IMPORTANT to me. It took me 10 MINUTES to move WHOEVER TOUCHED MY CLOTHES’ clothes off the rack and put ALL OF MINE BACK ON, meaning I was LATE for dinner with my parents.”
6. A history of hate
“Yeah, so my ex best friend was mental. Like, properly mad. Turned all my housemates against me. They were all idiots anyway, to be honest with you, so I didn’t really care in the end. Were proper bad about letting my pal. He needed a place to stay for a few weeks, was I supposed to let him sleep on the streets when we had a perfectly good sofa? He paid rent, and all. Admittedly to me, but he was my pal. Admittedly it was originally my friends flat that I moved into and he paid the rent for both of us, but I didn’t have a job. Plus, he was crazy. You couldn’t pay me to live with him now, though! Anyway, hope you don’t mind, but I’ve already started moving my stuff in and organised a housewarming for myself for tomorrow…”
