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24 things expats say when they first move to Dubai

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1. “Where’s the sand?”
It’s gone Carol, all gone. Just kidding, we hear Ras Al Khamiah still has some.

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2. In April – “WOW it’s hot, is this summer?”
You just wait buddy. You. Just. Wait.

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3. “I’m only going to stay for a year.”
We guarantee we will bump into you in Spinney’s in eight years.

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4. “Do you want to go to brunch on Friday?”
Repeat every week for three months until they finally get bored.

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5. “I was at this place in the Marina last night. Baristi.”
Barasti… It’s pronounced Barasti.

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6. “Why does everyone drive so fast?”
Six months later – “This school bus is testing me.”

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7. “There are so many nice cars here!”
Uh huh, they’re all going to be driverless soon.

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8. “I think I just saw Will Smith.”
Yeah, he’s here a lot. David Guetta too. In fact he and Lindsay Lohan live here now.

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9. “What’s shisha?”
Four months later – blowing smoke rings like a pro…

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10. “I got lost in The Dubai Mall for two hours!”
Yeah, that’ll unfortunately always happen.

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11. “Nando’s delivers?!”
Everything delivers. Everything.

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12. “The Dubai Metro is so spacious…”
Wait until you get to BurJuman.

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13. “Everything is so clean.”
It really is.

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14. “How much is AED100 in British Pounds?”
We don’t know Joe, we stopped converting our pennies ages ago.

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15. “Is there Wi-Fi?”
Seriously?

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16. “We went to a really big mall yesterday.”
Yeah? Which one? The Dubai Mall? Mall of the Emirates? Marina Mall? Details Susan, we need more details.

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17. “That four-year-old has an Apple Watch!”
Yeah, he’s also probably got a bigger shoe collection than you.

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18. “Everyone dresses so nice here.”
*Flicks hair over shoulder* …thanks!

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19. “My jeans don’t fit!”
The Dubai stone is a thing and you’ve just discovered it.

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20. OK, I’m going to use the gym/pool in my building every morning.
We give it two days…

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21. “You’ve lived in Dubai for ages… where’s your tan?”
The four walls in our office kind of block out the sun.

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22. “I’m not going to bother getting a car, I don’t need one for work.”
Fast forward 12 months and you’ll be driving past us in a Hummer.

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23. “No thanks, we don’t need an extra chair…”
That chair is for your handbag… duh.

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24. “Shall I book a table at [insert name of restaurant here] at 7pm on Thursday?”
Dude… that’s on the other side of Sheikh Zayed Road. No. Never.

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