24 Feb 2019 AT 03:55 PM

7 genuine grounds for terminating a friendship

When it's time to let go, it's time to let go...
24 Feb 2019 AT 03:55 PM
7 genuine grounds for terminating a friendship

1 They’re awful
Certain friendships are like shawarmas – they seem like a great idea at 2am, but they’re not healthy, are difficult to handle, taxi drivers won’t let them in a car and you’re only with them because you don’t think you can do any better. You probably can, so shedding a few of the more outwardly obnoxious ones won’t hurt.

2 They’re crazy
If any of the following sound familiar, your mate is probably a loose cannon and you should proceed with caution. They call fountains “splashy dancefloors”; they’ve slept in more than four different properties in the space of a week; they tell people at work what they REALLY think of them; they check for fire escapes every time they walk into a room; they carry a passport “just in case”; you have had to update their phone number in your contacts more than five times.

3 They make you look bad
Do you really need the shame of searching through your laundry basket for a rogue slice of breakfast pizza while getting social media updates about the mini-triathlon they finished before 10am? We get it Brian, you’re stronger than us..

4 It’s not them, it’s you
The way they pronounce a certain word, noisy slurping of tea, bad parking, overtexting, clicking their pen, tuneless humming, high-fiving, standing too close in the gym – it doesn’t matter how small their innocuous habit is, you are never going to not see it. Why drag this whole thing out any longer?

5 They’re just not getting it  
You are acquaintances at best. Probably not even that. Yet they’re clinging on to the notion that you are brothers in arms and keep inviting you out for oddly intense one-on-one drinks. You met on facing sides of a table at a 24-person birthday brunch for a mutual friend (who left Dubai 11 months ago) and once saw each other in Spinneys. That is it. So, instead of just swerving, fobbing, foisting, avoiding, ignoring and hiding any longer, you might just have to do the adult thing and friend break up with them. Or emigrate.

6 They don’t “like” you
Three months and not a single reaction to any of your social media? They started this war, not you.

7 Their fashion
Hey, you don’t judge. That’s why you’re such a great guy. But if, at some point, a mate’s clothing choices are not only impacting on the way people look at you, but also keep you up at night, it might be time to cut them loose. The sleeveless T and fedora combo you tolerated. The short shorts and tank top. Hey, you be you. But clogs at a brunch? Not worn ironically or, in extreme cases, national pride? Buh-bye now.