8 invitations you’ve got no intention of seeing through
1 Baby talk
“Baby Timmy is growing so fast, we’d love you to come and meet him”. That’s lovely, Janice, but I’d rather gargle garbage chute juice if it’s all the same with you.
2 Gym brunch
They probably worked it out for themselves when your induction medical revealed you’re 23 percent doughnut jam, but you don’t need to let workout buddies know how undisciplined you are. Your idea of “cheat day” is almost certainly different to a person who can name more muscles on their body than they can types of cheese.
3 Office boat party
It is heart-warming to think that colleagues want to spend time together outside work. Genuinely. But the idea of a confined space with, literally, no chance of escape is an anxiety you don’t need. A simple paper jam has reduced these people to feral tribalism before, so an open bar on the open seas is not a good combo.
4 Cousin’s wedding
With flights, hotels and gifts the trip is going to cost at least AED7,500. And for what? Questionable catering, judgement of your lifestyle choices and lots of awkward standing around wondering what you’re supposed to do? You could get that at a Friday brunch and save a fortune.
5 Neighbour’s party
Your neighbour informing you that they’re having a house party in a few weeks’ time was a classy move. You can forgive a little noise after that courtesy. Why, then, did they have to spoil a perfectly respectful acquaintanceship by asking you to come round and join them? The last thing you need is the type of wacky sitcom neighbours who drop in and hang out at all hours of the day.
6 Ex’s engagement
Clearly they took “let’s stay friends and keep in touch” more seriously than you did. Obviously you’ve moved on and are happy for them. Just not as happy as they are, clearly. Stick to an emotionally ambiguous “Like” on the Facebook photos and keep stalking to a minimum.
7 Open mic
Some friends support peers’ creative endeavours without judgement. You are not that friend. At best there is a one-in-a-thousand chance that the folk-rap group/poetry slam/painting exhibition they want you to see is going to be any good. More likely you will be asked for an opinion and find yourself with an unwanted moral dilemma.
8 Holiday friends
Even as you agreed that “we should stay in touch and go away together next year” you knew it could never happen. The sea air, your relaxed state and all-inclusive hotel hospitality pushed you together as a group. Everything you have learnt about them since makes them less compatible. Enjoy the memory, but don’t try and recapture the magic.