Our guide to avoiding having to wait
Waiting your turn is a simple question of politeness. The civilised flow of traffic at a brunch carvery, for example, is different to a pack of hyenas tearing at a carcass. Just. But waiting for a taxi, especially when you have seen the people in front of you skip lines dozens of times before, is enough to test any conscience. Walking 20m down the street to catch a taxi before it reaches an orderly queue is, obviously, bad form. We reckon that if you go more than two streets further upstream to get a taxi then you have done enough to not feel guilty.
Tired of having to make elevator conversation while you wait for a lift to arrive? Take the stairs. It is that easy. In fact, we’re going to just say it – no journey of less than five storeys should ever be taken in an elevator unless you have a note from a doctor.
Served first at a bar
Sing Whitney Houston ballads at the top of your voice. You might feel a little uncomfortable and you might get some strange looks when you’re going for the high notes, but nobody singing Whitney Houston ballads at the top of their voice in a crowded bar has ever had to wait to be served. Do you wanna look cool or do you want to jump the queue? You decide.
It is astonishing how tipping generously every time you get pizza delivered puts you to the top of the queue with drivers.
See the doctor
Everybody in the waiting room is coughing, moaning, rubbing bellies and clutching their insurance cards as though they have a Golden Ticket. To get seen first, try fainting and getting some sympathy.
This life-hack means you never have to wait a month for pay day again. Set up a new bank account and have salary paid in to it. Then pay yourself a weekly wage from it that goes in to your original account every Thursday. Genius. Possibly.
Never watch the clocks on microwaves and washing machines. The last two minutes on these clock’s timers can take anywhere between four and eight hours, depending on how much you really need what is inside. To update the old saying, “a watched microwave never pings”, so keep yourself busy instead of waiting.
Forget it, the laws of time, space and polite society don’t work in a WhatsApp conversation. If you’ve seen the blue ticks and know your message has been read, there is no amount of staring at the word “Online” that is going to change the rate of response. You. Just. Have. To. Wait.