14 Apr 2019 AT 03:39 PM

7 reasons for pulling a Houdini on the boys last night

See how far you get with these excuses for bailing early
14 Apr 2019 AT 03:39 PM
7 reasons for pulling a Houdini on the boys last night

1 New sheet day
You’ve been going out a lot of late. What, two or three times a week? New sheet day on your lovely big comfortable bed, on the other hand, is once every two weeks at best. So ask yourself, which is the greater treat: blundering along with increasingly incoherent mates until you end up splattered in shawarma sauce and strangely tearful at 3am, or sliding into crisp Egyptian cotton cocoon to watch Netflix at about 10.30?

2 For love
They will give you grief when they find out, and probably say something about “mates before dates”, but make no mistake – every single one of them would do the same thing. Single being the operative word. Expect grief on the group chat, but the romantic reward will be worth
the risk.

3 Secret hobby
You haven’t told anybody yet, but you’ve got a secret hobby that you just HAD to go and catch up on. Needlecraft, slow cookers, robot-building, online Scrabble tournaments, opera singing or shell collecting are not the sort of activities people like to be bumped for, so just keep it to yourself.

4 Technical issue
Out in public with only 6 percent battery power left on your phone, are you mad? Time to leave while you can still check social media to see what people are doing.

5 No money
You could traipse across town to have snooty the door staff judge your clothes, snootier guests frown when you actually dance on the dancefloor and pay more than your daily salary for a couple of drinks and a tiny burger. Or you could slip away unnoticed, go home and pour three different breakfast cereals into your wok, enjoying a midnight feast while watching cartoons like an adult.

6 Annoyance threshold
Why is the person who leaves the party the one who is judged? Even though they are your friends, spending time with the lads can be soul-destroying. You did a Houdini and escaped early not because you wanted to, but because staying out with them a moment longer was literally less fun than sitting in a taxi on your own and going home to sleep.

7 Not a burden
Tell people that you’re a bit tired, you have a headache or that you are so bored you’ve been counting the tiles on a disco ball and it tends to spoil the mood a little. When they’re pretending that hard to have a good time it would only dampen the mood to say goodbye. Just pull the old disappearing act and they can make up their own reasons why you left. Also, if you do tell people you’re leaving there will be at least 45 minutes of goodbyes.