05 May 2019 AT 03:24 PM

7 must-try excuses for being late

From one minute to a decade, here's our time-stamped guide to being late
05 May 2019 AT 03:24 PM
7 must-try excuses for being late

1 One minute late
If you are ever late for something, anything, by just one minute make sure everybody knows about it. Apologise profusely, make a fuss, and give the impression that you are physically hurt by your tardiness. Whoever you are supposed to be meeting (if meetees isn’t a word then it really should be) will be so impressed by your display that they will assume you are a serial early arriver and you have lateness credit in the bank for your inevitable future failures.

2 One hour late
This is long enough of a delay that it can’t have been unavoidable. The only reason you didn’t turn up on time is because of your fundamental flaws as a human. If the situation allows, sneak in and pretend you have been there all along.

3 One day late
Some experiences are just too awful to consider. A sock sliding down inside your shoe; a person who still insists on calling instead of texting, even though we are clearly in 2019; a stranger sitting next to you in a Jacuzzi. Some parties are like that, but because it is a friend who is hosting you are obliged to turn up. The old “accidentally get the dates mixed up and turn up the day after” saves you the horror of attending and the host the shame of a snubbing.

4 One month late
Blame somebody else, throw somebody under the bus, betray a trust – whatever it takes to not be the guy who was a full month late.

5 One week late
This is as bad as it gets. The only way to make up for being a whole week late with something – a work project, repaying a loan, handing over a birthday card – is to over-deliver. The work needs to be the best you’ve ever done, the loan paid back with interest, and the birthday card, well, never mind about that, you’re not six and you probably sent a text, but the idea remains the same. If you are ever this late for anything you need to turn on the charm.

6 One year late
The only person you can be a year late for doing something with, is yourself. Starting a workout, buying a guitar, taking your idea for rodeyoga (yoga in a rodeo environment) and making it into a business – if you still haven’t made strides after a year you have, basically, given up.

7 One decade late
Excuses don’t cut it when you’re a decade late. Library book, apology, a cutting riposte that would have won THAT argument – whatever it is you are ten years late to deliver it is probably best to just forget about it and move on. It’s time.

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