David Cornish28 Aug 2016 AT 05:28 PM

7 things no one wants to hear on social media

#6 "The boy did good"
David Cornish28 Aug 2016 AT 05:28 PM
7 things no one wants to hear on social media

Social media has rules.

We're sure it does. Codes of conduct from the likes of Twitter and Facebook about what you're allowed to say.

Abusive stuff: clearly not okay. Just because it's the internet doesn't mean it's not hateful. Don't do it. Ever.

Illegal stuff: see above.

But what about all the rest? The things that there aren't rules for, but wouldn't be okay to announce in normal real life contexts?

Here follows our list of things we'd like to see less of on social media. You can ignore it. You can complain about it. We just hope you pause to have a think about it. 

"I just ran 4.6km with Nike+! Crushing it"

That's great, Chris. Really. We're glad you're making progress on your new-found love of running - a pursuit for a healthier lifestyle should never be mocked.

But honestly? We couldn't care less about this week's run. Or last week's. Nor any of the other "Cheeky 5k jogs" you've got lined up over the next few months.

Would you nip into the nearest restaurant and announce to everyone what your average pace was? No, you wouldn't, would you Chris. Next time that little 'Share notification' button pops up on completion of your sweaty trek, do us a favour and ignore it. 

"Office for today!"

It's not an office though, is it Ben? It's a beach. We know it's a beach, you know it's a beach. The point is, you're not in the office today, are you? You wanted to draw attention to that, didn't you? Just cut to the chase, Ben. Tell it like it is. "Working from home today, so I get to hang out here. Feeling pretty lucky" - that sort of thing.

Also, you've got sand in your USB socket. 

"Night out with this lot! What are we like..."

...you're normal, Hannah.

You're like a normal social group, going on a night out, like many other social groups. It's quite a common activity, hence the abundance of establishments that base their business around it.

A more accurate way of captioning your post might have been "Proof we're having fun", or maybe "See Doug, I'm out living my life - I'm not at home thinking about you".

Maybe Doug misses you too, Hannah. Call him. Just stop posting stuff like this.

“Oh that’s just great...”

Facebook isn't a stress ball. Twitter isn't a pillow in which to scream.

Both of them are social networks filled largely with your friends and family - people who actively care about you. They want to know how you're doing. They care about how your day is going. But it's also a place filled with colleagues, acquaintances and sort-of-mates who don't need an insight into your inner peril.

Rather than mashing out your frustrations on a keyboard, how about picking up your phone, calling one of your nearest and dearest, and having a good chat about it with them. Get it all out of your system - just don't push it into ours.

“...wants to invite you to play Farmville 2”

Stop it Greg. Just stop it. We played Farmville 2 for around 20 minutes back in 2013 before we realised it wasn't anywhere near as good as Theme Park and never went near it again. Please, stop inviting us to play. Come to the coffee shop. There are muffins and everything.

“The boy did good..”

Aww, so Gavin is back in the good books with you is he Alice? That's good. That's really good.

It's a remarkably different tone to that post a month ago when you changed your relationship status to 'Single' and posted a cryptic song lyric quote with a few sad face emoji, isn't it? We thought you and Gavin were on a break?

Does Gavin know your new status? He was liking Rachael's holiday pictures last week, and we all know their history.

You see, the problem with documenting the highs and lows of a relationship, the minutiae of your personal interactions, is that it leads to this intrusive speculation. We love hearing that you're happy, but this post is just one in a soap opera sequence of updates that need to stop.

“Little Jonathan just did another poo all over the rug. Kids, eh?”

Three people will like this status. Your mum, your mother-in-law and your other half.

It might pick up a few sympathy comments from other mums and dads who also delight in documenting the bowl movements of their newborns, but that's it. Everyone else will just scroll on by.

We get it. All those hours at home looking after little Jonathan without the company of another adult are driving you a bit mental. You're craving adult interaction, and have turned to Facebook to find it. But a 'Like' isn't interaction. Invite us over. We'll pretend to be interested in Jonathan for a bit, then talk about normal things, give a debrief on the wider world.

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