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GUIDE: A definitive manual to every WhatsApp group that you’re in



Uhhh, the joys of WhatsApp groups. Hundreds of unread and unanswered messages as well as thousands of gifs, videos and memes that have filled your phones memory, however, you keep them and delete pictures of your family, because you never know when you will need to someone a picture of a dog dressed up like a baby…

During our weekly chat, we discovered that every single one of us belongs to at least three WhatsApp groups that were for the most part, very, very much the same.

So, here you have it. Eight WhatsApp groups that you are most likely apart and a brief play by play of all the happiness, memes and annoyance that you can expect or, are currently experiencing by being in it.

Banter squadron
This is your go-to group, the prime source of fresh banter, juicy memes, in-jokes and general nonsense chat between your closest mates, who you would definitely take a bullet for. You will regularly look over at your phone and see 103 unread messages which must be waded through, just in case you miss any comedy gold. One member will be constantly trying to leave only to be hilariously added back in immediately every time. The photo and name will change regularly depending on the tangents the chat goes off on, usually to a name that will prove highly embarrassing when your phone goes off in a meeting – but the name must never be questioned, for to do so would suggest that you question the banter. And, one must never question the banter on Banter Squadron. This is your direct feed into banterdom; your social hub, and you are nothing without it. You must feed it as it feeds you – banter must be shared here first before it goes anywhere near the rest of your socials – don’t be tempted to break this rule: some ‘likes’ may let you feast for a day, but Banter Squadron will nourish you for a lifetime. Cherish it.

[Family name] group
Look, you can’t have it both ways. You showed them all how to sign up for WhatsApp so, that you didn’t have to keep spending money on sending them mundane updates or pictures of your journey to work or of your plant. Now that everyone, EVERYONE, in your family is a part of the “fun”, you have to bear the cross of them sending WhatsApp messages every single time there’s a family birthday, anniversary, saint’s day, bank holiday, day of the week, or two-year-old meme they’ve just discovered. Every photo of anyone, by law, no matter how awful, must be replied to by every single other family member saying “oh you look gorgeous!”, “stunning!” or “wow!” like a Facebook comments section. Occasionally a family member will moan about another family member not realising they’re posting in the ‘big’ group, which livens up proceedings even more. However, you will regularly look over at your phone and see over 120 unread messages, none of which will be interesting. You love them all – and actually, (will also eventually) appreciate the fact that they care about you.

The Missus/ The Boy
The best photos and loving comments between you and your other half will be saved for Instagram and Facebook. If you’re achingly millennial, your best funny chat will be saved for Twitter where you can broadcast it to the adoring masses. WhatsApp is strictly for business, preferably with the minimum number of characters. “What time u home”. “What time we meetin”. “Have you fed the dog” (dog ideally replaced with dog emoji). This is as loving as it gets in this ‘group’.

[Work Name] Chat
Someone suggested having one and obviously no one could say no and now, there it is: work can contact you 24/7/365. And this isn’t the only difficult thing: [Work Name] Chat is a group that is balanced on a knife-edge of uncertainty. Just how banterous can you push the work group before someone’s on the phone to Gabby in HR? But you can’t risk people thinking you’re boring either. Eternal rules: nothing about politics, no pet memes and never discuss anything personal, ever.

Did you just see…
Something happens on TV /social media/in real life, possibly a bit ‘off-colour’ that you absolutely must, immediately share with the three people you know who will 100 percent definitely find this hilarious (and not be offended). Despite it being way more of a hassle to set up a WhatsApp group with a name and a photo than to just do a group text, it’s not 2011 anymore and, you must use WhatsApp. A flurry of crylaugh emojis will follow, a bit of a chat, and then – it’s over. Forever.

Quiz Team Legends
The home of, unsurprisingly, your fellow quiz team legends, this place is, a chance to get excited for the big event and then pick over the bones of last week’s glorious triumph/disastrous failure. True quiz fiends will be keeping an eye out for sporting event results that could come up in this week’s battle while, naturally, you will be watching documentaries and quiz shows each week to try desperately to osmosise some knowledge from those unfeasibly clever people. Any team that regularly beats you will be subjected to the vilest allegations imaginable. And, this is only right and proper because quiz is one of the most important things you can do as a human and it should be taken very seriously indeed.

[Recurring meme]
Almost certainly originally uploaded to Banter Squadron, this will be so mirthful that it will get its own group, with someone bumping it to the top every sixth months or so (“Just remembered this crylaugh emoji”). And, every time you will reply with a crylaugh emoji and actually, for real, laugh out loud. The magic of WhatsApp, eh?

[Insert house number and street]
The shared house group; a marriage of occasional fun and a whole heap of boring-but-necessary stuff. In the days before a house party, this suddenly becomes a place of excitement and wonder. In the days following, this where all the fighting over tidying up and washing opens. At the end of the day, though, you now have a go-to group for when you lose your keys – again.

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